LAMENT OF THE WANDERER

Over the last four and a half years, the path forward in ministry has not been clear.  This led to a number of days of doubt and questioning.  I have often wondered if I am so completely dense to what God is up to that missed his signs.  Since we have walked with the Lord as faithfully as we know how, I guess I thought we might get some clarity as a benefit.  I was having coffee with my friend, Dave Wainscott, when the question was raised, "I have been faithful, Lord, but what the hell?"  It launched a bit of a lament.  Well, I finished that lament here.  

A word about lament is in order.  Lament is a form of writing that expresses deep sorrow, fear, or doubt.  The writer generally speaks out of the bitterness of a life event or life season.  In the Bible, a majority of the Psalms are laments, but with a particular bent.  In biblical lament, the writer pours out the anger or bitterness, but comes to a point of expressing some form of faith or confidence in the Lord in spite of the circumstances.  That is what I hope I communicated here.  This is my lament for the last season of life.

Lord, I have been faithful, so what gives?

Why this road? Why this path?  This doesn’t look like anything I saw at the beginning.

When I sat on that Big Rock, I asked you if I should take that road,

If I should learn to shepherd and serve as one who pastors.

And you said yes as clearly as I hear the voices of my family and friends.

In the voices of those close to me were affirmations of that call.

So I faithfully followed…yet it has not turned out as I thought.

What am I missing?  Did I miss a signal?  Did I fail in some way and not see it?

I guess I figured that faithfulness would count for something more,

For some reward I would not have to wait for.

So what gives? 

What gives, it seems, is my picture of what should be and my plan of how things should work out.

You have shown yourself faithful in every way.  You have proven fully trustworthy.

When there has been heartache and change, you have been our comfort.

When the road was desolate, you remained as our traveling companion and guide.

When it looked like we would have nothing, you were and are our faithful provider.

You use me in the way that is best for your purposes.

You are molding me so that I can accomplish best what will bring you the most glory.

This is a good road, where you will continue to include me in your plan.

As I walk this path, I will continue to walk in faithfulness,

Knowing you will bring me to that place of peace and service that brings me great joy and brings you great glory.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

Max Lucado tells a story about a man who had a beautiful horse, the most beautiful in the kingdom.  Through a series of events, the man looses the horse, gains it back with 10 more, has to care for his injured son who then cannot go off to war for the king.  With each turn of events, the people around him find reason to judge his circumstances either blessed or curse depending on how they view event.  With each turn, the man urges people to not judge the circumstance a blessing or a curse.  Each circumstance was what it was.  It was beyond anyone's understanding to decide if the event was a reward or punishment, a blessing or a curse.

This story came to my memory today as I sat and evaluated a number of events where things did not seem to be of much benefit to me or my family.  It did not feel good to go through any of them.  But was the outcome of any of them a blessing or curse?  Was it for our best or was something at work keeping me from enjoying a good thing?

The wisdom of Max's story became apparent to me.  I cannot tell if something is blessing or curse.  I cannot tell if a good thing was kept from me or if I was kept from a disaster.  I am left thinking that it is too wonderful for me to see beyond my circumstances or the circumstances of others to know what is really the best.

As I ponder this reality, another thought comes to mind.  The Lord I serve does know what is the outcomes mean.  He understands what He purposes and what He can make of each event, be it trial or victory.  He told a group huddled in exile, wondering if they would ever see home again, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

He used a man named Paul to remind me that, "God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

These are well known Scripture passages to many who follow Jesus.  They are comforting because we trust that He DOES have our best in mine.  They are challenging because it means I let go of wondering and worrying what my circumstances mean.  I continue to follow faithfully and patiently.  The one who works it all for good and knows what the plan is will cause it all to make sense at the right time.